The ABC’s of Adulthood

Acceptance. You’re entering the world of old fartdom.

Burnouts. When you realize that someone is in their mid-30s and their job is essentially getting stoned all day researching conspiracy theories, you might want to reassess your time spent with this person, because you simply can’t relate like you once did. Maybe you’re not feeling their chill vibes, man.

Coin. Now that you’re making enough money to afford the Lean Cuisine instead of the ramen cup, you better start being savvy. Stop spending that coin like you’re 16 and blowing your garage sale money on rubber bracelets and pop-punk records.

Death. You’re going to start getting more of the calls that a loved one has passed away. It’s just a natural part of life though, your parents are likely going to die before you and if it hasn’t happened already, some of your friends will start to go too. Remember to appreciate the people in your life, and that you’re not invincible either–put down that PCP.

Exercise. You’re either going to be an unhealthy miserable bastard or just a miserable bastard. Really though, exercise can help keep you young and probably less likely to die by cheeseburger overdose.

old school exercises

Families. As you age, you will realized that everyone has one of these fucking things. Pretty much since the day you graduated high school people have been staking their territory and popping gooey naked pink demons out of their orifices.

Guns, germs, and gang violence. You go through periods of utter nihilism and carry the sins of the world on your back like you’re Jesus’s less talented half-brother. You wish you could change the world, because it’s becoming a scary place, but most of the time you’re wrapped up in complacency. The world is giving you grey hairs.

Home. You have your own place, your own silverware, your own bills–it’s like you’re a real adult! Just buy what you need and take care of your shit so you don’t end up on Mastercard’s most wanted list.

Indecisiveness. You better know what you want by now, whether it is to be married, single, live in Europe, be an artist, buy a car, sell your car, use natural toothpaste, to stop eating cheese–you need to stop being indecisive and take control of your own damn life.

work stress

Jobs. If you don’t like it, change it, go back to school or get out there and look. Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Everyone’s tired of you complaining anyway.

Kindness. Stop being a total drag and living in your miserable little world of self-pity. One little kind gesture can give you all the more selfish reasons to be happy with yourself and maybe become slightly less mad at the world. Random acts of kindness are the best kinds, so if you still have a heart, try using it.

Listening. One of the most valuable skills that will get you far, because no one really wants to hear about your shitty day at the dry-cleaner. So you better know how to lend an ear and try to show interest to people you want to stick around.

Monotony. If you’re not careful your life can easily turn into a broken record, playing the same sad tune you heard yesterday–and the day before that. Wake up, go to work, eat lunch, back to work, get dinner, dick around on the internet, go to sleep. Unless this makes you fiendishly happy, I suggest you start shaking up your life, take a different way to work, brush your teeth with your other hand, then eventually move to Thailand and start your own organic slushy bar.

Noise. You made your fair share of racket when you were younger, but as soon as your downstairs neighbor puts on Skrillex at 10PM–you lose your shit. You either march over there and demand they turn that “music” down or hold a massive grudge against them and always consider calling the cops–but never do.

Openness. You better learn that people in your life deserve the truth. Hiding anything is pretty messed up; ain’t no one got time for that. Communicate with the people in your life, or else you’re dooming yourself to roam alone within the corridors of your treacherously negative mind.

Patience. If you haven’t already learned by now, nothing besides nude pictures of celebrities happens in an instant. In real life, you have to work hard, and put in your time to get what you want.

Quality. From toilet paper to pals, you want things that are better for you. At this point, no one cares that you have 700 facebook friends, all people really want is a few guys and girls who would bail them out of jail and two-ply TP in their bathrooms.

Romance. Your definition of what’s romantic might have changed a bit. Instead of “Oh my gosh, he told me I’m pretty!” you might think “Oh my gosh, he put the toilet seat down!”


Settling. People don’t care about your life’s ambition, they just want to know if you’re getting any, and if not–why? People’s utter fascination and ultimate disappointment with their significant other is one of the major downfalls of growing up. People stay with the significant other that they can’t stand because it’s comfortable, or they’re so desperate for a lover they will forgo all their needs, since it’s “taboo” to be single. You’ll see a lot of this, you may even fall victim, but it’s up to you if you want to do anything about it.

Travel. You’re a grown ass adult, if you haven’t gotten out of the country or at least out of your town, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Learn about different cultures, experience new things, and get uncomfortable for once.

Utilities. “Oh my god, you left the air conditioner at 60? Who do I look like? Daddy Warbucks?”

Vocabulary. You probably shouldn’t be in your late twenties or thirties and speaking with the same bro-dawg vernacular that worked for you 10 years ago. “Yo dog, like, Imma get summa dat fat snatch tonight, f’real.”

Wrinkles. Yup, don’t matter what you looked like then, you’re on track towards having a pug mug, unless you’ve got a sugar mama/daddy who will buy you a new face. Learn to accept yourself, crows feet and all. You’ll feel like a spring chicken, and your confidence will terrify all the young folks into reading existentialist literature.


X-rated. You’re either getting it on the reg, sporadically with former flames (or whoever shows you enough attention) or you’re a complete sex camel–storing up mojo like you could harness it all at once in some sort of lusty life-threatening situation. Either way, you’re probably complaining about it; but it could change tomorrow–your girl might leave you, you might meet someone special, or you die. So spice up your love life or be happy with your current situation until it changes.

Youth. “In my day, the radio wasn’t full of this wonky rap garbage that all sounds the same!”

Zzz. Sure you can pull an all-nighter every once in awhile, but if you’re constantly getting 3-5 hours of sleep, you probably look strung-out on heroin and only talk about how little sleep you get. You’re not Anthony Bourdain, get over yourself.

Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>