PRE JIMMY BUFFETT
Tonight I’m attending my first Jimmy Buffett concert, which, according to those ‘in the know’, marks my evolution from Parakeet to Parrothead.
It’s been a long journey, getting here to Buffett Eve. It all started when my girlfriend’s father (shout outs to Mad Mike) relinquished his relatively unused Margaritaville DM2000 Premium Frozen Concoction Maker, a gigantic glorified blender that is basically the size of a small person. This thing shaves ice like Gillette shaves faces.
Soon after I inherited this behemoth, I decided to throw a Jimmy Buffett party among close friends at a community pool – because isn’t that funny and ironic? Surprise to no one, my band of 20-something friends were more than willing to oblige a marathon day drinking session despite being subject to a painful amount of the Jimmy Buffett discography.
Full disclosure here, I actually think Jimmy Buffett is awesome. He’s goofy, endorses irresponsible drinking and provides great tropical ambience. Whereas many of my peers have been grumbling about the flood of Parrotheads in downtown, I actually woke up knowing today would be stupid fun.
I haven’t entirely decided what my motivation is in attending other than getting drunk around a bunch of middle-aged white people wearing colorful shirts, but I can safely say there’s very little irony entering the equation.
Parrotheads are fucking insane. Apparently they’ve been tailgating for the show tonight since 12 pm this afternoon. They’ve also trucked in loads of sand to create a beach area around the venue.
My expectations
- I will feel painfully embarrassed at many points throughout the evening.
- I will consume no less than 1 frozen margarita.
- White people.
- I will eat a taco.
- Some lady will lose her children.
- Jimmy Buffett will make a lot of jokes between songs and some large, sweaty dude sitting close to me will absolutely love it but be coughing throughout his laugh making me genuinely worried he could have an aneurism at any moment.
- I will be forced into singing parts of Cheeseburger in Paradise.
- I will have a moment in which I question what my life will be like at age 50.
- I will somehow – I don’t know why, because I’m certainly not buying one – be wearing a Hawaiian lei by the end of the night.
POST JIMMY
I’m officially a Parrothead. Despite this significant metamorphosis in my adult life, I’m afraid even my moderate enthusiasm for Jimmy and the Island Players is far eclipsed by thousands of white people living in Arizona.
Walking up to the show was insane. They’d transformed the middle of downtown Phoenix into a beach and inexplicably had a Jimmy Buffett cover band playing – something perfectly valid that would be inconceivable within any other context.
Holy god is Jimmy Buffett a marketing machine. People were wearing grass skirts, Hawaiian leis, coconut bras, hats with shark fins and, of course, giant parrotheads. I’m convinced that man could sell just about anything if you stamped his name on it. He’s built an empire off unoffending music about sailing and drinking, two things apparently any suburban dad loves the shit out of.
How many of my expectations came true last night?
- I will feel painfully embarrassed at many points throughout the evening.
I felt somewhat embarrassed during points of the night but tequila and overpriced Coors Light probably helped to dull the senses.
- White people.
It was a blizzard.
- I will have a moment in which I question what my life will be like at age 50.
This definitely happened on my way to the show, right after I saw a man wearing a cut off Hawaiian shirt pushing a baby in a stroller.
- I will somehow receive a Hawaiian lei.
Multiple, actually.
- Jimmy Buffett will make a lot of jokes between songs.
OHMYGOD did he ever. Jimmy Buffett loves to talk to his audience. At many points during the show it felt like being in a crowded lecture hall with a professor who just had the time of his life in Cabo.
Here is essentially how he would engage the crowd after every song,
Woo! (Guy hands him a smaller guitar). Well, this is one crazy party here in (name of city). One heck of a (day of week) crowd! (Guy in band plays riff). Hey, how about (name of guy in the band)? Say, any of y’all like (any recreational activity)? (Crowd goes insane). Trouble is I ain’t no good when I been drinking (type of beer, alcohol). Well I gotta song about that!
This would happen after literally every song. It got to the point where after four or five songs, I decided to run a stop watch and see how long he ended up talking throughout the show. The official count is 9 minutes and 56 seconds of Jimmy talk time, but I’m sure there was more.
These are the other highlights of what he said,
“A revolving stage was a good thing and a bad thing in the late 70s and early 80s.”
“Our guitarist here won musician of the year and he’s been working on a Toby Keith impersonation.
“I got drunk and karaoked my own song!”
“Well, we love the Andy Griffith show.”
During maybe Jimmy’s third anecdote about drinking, my girlfriend leaned within earshot and said, “I feel like his music is just for people who’ve made mistakes.”
Jimmy Buffett is rad. I think most people from my generation hate on him because they’re programmed to hate things anyone over the age of 40 loves. I think sailing and drinking margaritas is a great platform for America.
