1. The guy who brought his entire computer
It’s hard to deny the practicality behind lugging your entire desktop computer out to a crowded public venue to operate your ‘mobile’ business. Besides, that spec script you’re writing for The Office is really, really good – a rotating door of complete strangers being overcharged for caffeine should bask in the glow of it.
2. The way-too-specific lady ordering before you
“Is Stephanie here? She knows my drink. She’s not? Okay. Give me a soy cap extra foam with three pumps – not two, not four – sugar free hazelnut with an extra shot of espresso and one and a half Sweet & Low’s. Also, I need you to put the entire thing beneath an Accu-Scope inverted microscope and examine it for any grounds that may have ended up in the machine. Thank you. Wait, what? You’re out of soy? I’d like a tea then. Please list your flavors for me, sorted by region.”
3. The never ending phone call person
Well done, humanity. We’ve finally progressed to the point where treating people behind the counter like robotic servants void of souls is socially acceptable. No obligatory social interaction merits dropping a phone call when you’re busy discussing how “crazy!” last night was. Just remember: anytime you’re throwing down $5 for a cup of coffee sans tip, you’re entitled.
4. The complicated simple transaction guy
You know how to complicate a business deal under a single dollar for a cup of black coffee? Pay entirely in loose change from your pocket that you didn’t bother to count out beforehand. “Let me see what I got here,” he says, spending an eternity fumbling within his pocket only to discover an old receipt for milk and batteries from the corner drugstore dating back weeks ago. Pro tip: be certain to treat every subsequent coin loosed from the confines of your jeans as a significant discovery to maximize the tedious display. “Hey! This one dates back to 1992!”
5. The broadcast conversationalist
Who needs a megaphone? You have the highest level of courtesy in the manner of including everyone in the conversation. And no, no one in this coffee shop can believe what happened to Greg and Britney last night. Despite not knowing either of these people personally, everyone in a 500 ft radius completely agrees with you that Greg is a ‘douche’ and ‘probably caught something off Rachael years ago’.
