‘Just Excited to be Here’
This person doesn’t understand what fantasy sports are but they’re excited to come along for the ride anyway. Often treated with kid gloves, they require assistance drafting and setting their lineup as they don’t follow the respective sport. Every group needs a few of these ‘filler’ players to round out their league, who are generally welcomed for presenting little to no competition. Almost always surprised to hear the result of their matchup because the last time they checked a score was nearly a month ago, a detachment that makes those glued to their smartphones every second of the day strangely envious at times.
‘Fire Me Already’
The fantasy season never stops for this player, not even during the weekly grind. Despite being warned repeatedly by managers, you’ll always find a fantasy sports related tab strategically tucked away in their browser. They scour the waiver wire on an hour to hour basis, already have their potential lineups accounted for weeks down the road. Somewhat typified as control freaks whom could benefit from a few new hobbies — will most likely discover aforementioned new hobbies with all that time off following their inevitable termination.
‘Mysterious Racer X’
Who the hell is this person? You’re not sure if it’s a friend of a friend, coworker or distant relative to someone in the league and you won’t bother asking at any point through the season. While their ambiguous participation is always in question, one thing that is certain: you will never see or directly interact with this person. They are shrouded in mystery. While your league friends are gibing one another over their spirited matchup, your exhibition against Mysterious Racer X is like a bye week of isolation located somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle of competition.
‘Please End My Life’
The type of fantasy player who never had a chance, initially considered a punch line until things just became downright sad. Had the misfortune of drafting a superstar that went down before the season even started, things only grew uglier from there. Never short on ‘suggestions’ regarding how to ‘make the league more fair’, always short an audience. Their entire roster is like one giant spider web, trapping a handful of perfectly good players that better teams could actually use.
‘Let’s Make a Deal’
A veritable trade machine looking to personally recreate the drama of LeBron James’ ‘The Decision’. They’re usually a longshot to win it all and want to drastically affect the playing field, usually for the worse. This type of player is so determined to see a groundbreaking trade go down that they’re almost always willing to do it at their own expense. A few consecutive losses amounts to a fire sale. Alcohol only spurs additional trade proposals.
‘The King’
Drunk with power, the wicked fantasy king is the stony coast where your dreams of glory go to die. Some people play many years to finally have a taste of greatness, a cool drop of water within an endless wasteland – but not the king. Life couldn’t be sweeter for this player, wine flowing throughout their golden halls in pure jubilation. After winning the league in recent history, they appear to be cruising to victory again and it’s eating away at the other players. Occasionally offers you condescending trades that really only serve to undermine your intelligence and remind you that your team sucks. Can ruin your entire week by reminding you of how close you were to winning the ultimate prize — had it not been for their existence.
‘Started From the Bottom’
The type of player that never goes away despite an abysmal record, a veritable wild card each week. Where others see a garbage waiver wire, this player sees gold. And while it takes them nearly the entire season to turn the ship around, you can never truly count this type of player out. Gives hope to the little guy that never had a prayer, vicariously allowing the less fortunate league players to exact justice on the cruel fantasy king.
