1. The ‘Yin Yang’, Conservative Adult & Prepubescent Boy
Who wore it best: Johnathon McAllister, 7 year-old, down the street
There’s a fine line between the man who won’t tolerate the face broom and the boy who aspires to grow one. There’s quite a bit of self-loathing between them. A conservative clean shaven look generally signifies dreams of upper management, or a submissive adherence to personal grooming policies as per company guidelines. Mr. Conservative, once the prepubescent boy with beard envy, is living in a virtual face prison with compliance to rules of the workplace. Yes, he earns a living — but at what cost?
2. The Patch Adams
Who wore it best: Daniel Radcliffe, 23 year-old, London, England
You can’t grow a beard but it won’t stop you from trying. Why should a silly thing like biology apply to you? Besides, having 60% of a beard is potentially good enough to avoid being carded for R-rated movies. Keep fighting the good fight, kid.
3. The ‘Little Taste of Italy’
Who wore it best: Mario, 31 years-old, Mushroom Kingdom
Aside from being slightly ironic, you give people the impression you could literally start making a pizza at any given moment.
4. The Dirtbag
Who wore it best: Fred Durst, 42 years-old, Gastonia, NC
Just despicable. The flavor saver down south has a tendency to smell like sweaty sausage mixed with vinegar. The type of dude who prefaces most comments with ‘no homo’. Talents best suited for life as a roadie.
5. The Chopper 
Who wore it best: The Amish, PN
You’re in a metal band. You set yourself apart from the average crowd at a young age by pursuiting an eccentric talent such as juggling or unicycling, sprouting unusual facial hair allowed you to compensate at a later age. You’re actually an excellent dude, very mild mannered in nature.
6. The Wizard
Who wore it best: Gandalf the Grey, Ageless, Middle-Earth
You’re dirty and mysterious. You possess a timeless wisdom that others look up to. Friend to all cats.
7. The White Wizard
Who wore it best: Gandalf the White, Ageless, The Heavens
Like no. 6, only better.
8. The Horseshoe
Who wore it best: Holk Hogan, 59 years-old, Augusta, GA
You adore tight fitting muscle shirts and v-necks, anything to highlight your chiseled physique. Huge advocate for Slim Jims. Brawny man to be.
9. The Tickler
Who wore it best: John Waters, 66 years-old, Baltimore, MD
You’re a creep. Perfectly content with being written off as ‘some kind of pervert’. Mannequin collector.
10. The ‘Deal With It’
Who wore it best: Joaquin Phoenix, 38 years-old, San Juan, Puerto Rico
You don’t give a fuck. You’re the type of cynic with an elite taste in music that only travels via fixed gear bicycle. A fan of craft beer.
11. The Lumberjack
Who wore it best: Paul Bunyan, ???, The woods
Like no. 10, only you also have an ox.
