The news just broke that the Catholic Church has chosen their new pope. The papacy goes to Jorge Bergoglio from Argentina and he will assume the title Pope Francesco. While we weren’t surprised that the new leader of the Catholic Church looks exactly like the last two, old and popey, we were hoping the Catholics might spice up their choice this time around. Here are a few people who would have made a better or more terrifying choice for Pope.
President Barack Obama
This would terrify the religious right to no end. “Honey! It’s happening Obama has ascended as the anti-christ! Hide the guns and strap on your chastity belt!”
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
Just imagine the banter…
Chester Cheetah
Who wouldn’t want a fun loving jungle cat who can surf on melted cheese as the figurehead of their religion? Hell wouldn’t just be hot, it would be Flamin’ Hot!
Pope John Paul II
Don’t call it a comeback! Zombie Pope John Paul II could literally start eating the body and blood of his followers.
Madea
The pinnacle of Southern fried wisdom Madea could whip those pederasts into shape with a sassy tongue lashing.
Mel Gibson
He’s Catholic. He’s full of spite. He’s perfect.
Craig my pot smoking neighbor who has an answer for all the worlds problems
Craig is a really cool guy he once told me that if we legalize marijuana, “We could like tax that shit man! Then we take that money and buy China. Problem solved”.
Austin Winkler (Lead Singer of Hinder)
He has already communicated with celestial bodies. Specifically the lips of an angel.
A bag of Pretzel Goldfish
Would make history for being the first inanimate salted host for the lord’s word.
An infant
Nobody speak to the infant… let it build its own moral code then unleash its papacy on the world.
