It’s no news that Cosmo magazine doles out some of the worst sex tips imaginable. Most of these tips either involve food and slurping or physically injuring the man. Bite the scrotum? Seriously? So I’ve compiled a list of the most ridiculous sex tips that Cosmo has to offer and also threw in some of my own bad sex advice. Let’s see if you can point out which ones are fake. Answers below.
1.”Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of your breast. …Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you’re volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.”
2.”Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”
3.”Grab his shaft with both hands and make a twisting motion, like a soft indian rug burn on his junk… he’ll love the way it feel when you are literally choking his wiener”
4.”Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.”
5.“The meatus—the hole on the tip of his penis—is supersensitive. Stick the tip of your tongue on that spot and apply medium pressure. It’s such a specific place, he probably doesn’t even realize it has feel-good potential, so he’ll love that you’ve discovered it”
6.”Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”
7.”Grunt for him. Guys don’t always want to be sleeping with an angel. Grunt like Helen Keller on a roller coaster and he will love it!”
8.”Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.”
9.”Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.”
10.”Stick your nose in his butt crack and sneeze, he won’t know what he’s feeling but he’ll like it!”
11.[When you’ve got an annoying roommate] “Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they’ll assume it’s the movie.”
Are you turned on yet?
12.”As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.’
13.”Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.”
14.”Just getting home from the dentist and the Novocaine hasn’t worn off? Take his man bits deep into your throat the Novocaine will stifle your gag reflex.”
15.”Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
16.”Double wrap some rubber bands at the base of the shaft. This will give him the feeling he’s wearing a condom when he’s actually not!”
17.”Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he’ll trash your relationship too.”
18.”It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).”
19.”Get some wet spaghetti and slap his business softly, then slurp up the pasta. This will make him start imagining your slurping him up!”
20.”Open your mouth and breathe heavily over one ball at a time.”
21.”Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him.”
I’ve got a half chub just looking at these
22.“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
23.”Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower — wet skin is more sensitive.”
24.”If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”
25. “Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum”
Fake advice: #3, #7, #10,#16,#19
