I’ve heard that The Real World started off as an interesting documentary series that followed around America’s best and brightest. I’ve heard that The Real World started off addressing pressing social issues like the AID’s virus and homosexuality in the military. I’ve heard that The Real World wasn’t always a heaping pile of vodka vomit, latex, and mascara tears.
I haven’t watched the show in its entirety since I was in middle school because… well that should be reason enough; I’m not in middle school. But from the snippets I’ve seen at friend’s houses the show has become a parody of what was once a pretty good idea.
Chuck Klosterman has a great article about it but it’s not free on the internet so I’ll paraphrase. Basically there are these character archetypes: The Southern Bell (Racist), The Urban Guy (Black), The Bad Boy (Douchebag), The Eccentric One (Girl with Lip Ring), The Gay Dude (Literally), Average Joe (Literally no screen time), and then MTV will throw in another ethnicity so HR doesn’t get flooded with letters. Take all these “edgy” components, don’t allow these people to watch television or own a cell phone, add some free liquor, blend it it all in a “hip-pad” which is inexplicably filled with furniture that looks like things that aren’t furniture and you’ve got yourself a stew going.
What a beautifully diverse marketing strategy!
The problem with The Real World is that The Jersey Shore took all of these elements, injected them with steroids and pickle juice, and ultimately made a better show. On The Real World everybody is trying to prove that they aren’t completely worthless people. The Jersey Shore cast members thrive on the fact that they are trash.Now, if they saw this they would probably say I’m jealous but seriously they embraced the trash mentality straight to MTV’s coffers. Hell, Snooki makes $150,000 an episode to drunkenly queef in people’s mouths (not sure if this has actually happened, I’m just assuming).
The internet porn industry is also the bane of The Real World‘s existence. No longer will adolescent males have to wait through 30-minutes of MTV’s programming to see a blurry nipple and some sex noises. Nope, the middle-schoolers of today, who were born in 2000 by the way, just have to grab their iPhone and Google “naked” to get that same lurid satisfaction.
The show is just in this miserable middle ground. It’s not seedy enough to engage The Jersey Shore audience, and it’s definitely not stimulating enough to engage any fans of an actual documentary series.
What a beautiful marketing strategy my uterus created!
So what do we do? Just cancel the fuckin’ thing.
But seriously I didn’t start this article to just come to that conclusion; although it’s probably the best. Nope, I think it would be absolutely brilliant to make an actual “Real World” . There is no casting decisions made by producers. You just throw an ad up on Craigslist for a mediocre house in Skokie, Illinois that can accommodate 7 people. It’s a strictly first come first serve basis. So you really do just get 7 random people living in a house together. Another thing, they all have to pay rent but they can have their own jobs. So the whole house wouldn’t be working at Joey’s Splash Sex Waterpark for a summer. Gerld would work as a process server, Linda does Cha Cha in her free time, Marcus works for Verizon, Brandi’s parents pay for everything, you get the idea.
It would be nice to see what happens when you don’t throw a bunch of sex crazed maniacs into a bachelor pad together. There could even be people on the show who are over the age of 25. It would also be great to see the average interactions between roommates. Instead of LeMarcus screaming at Percy after a racial epithet slips during a rap concert. We’d see something more along these lines.
LeMarcus: Hey… Percy remember how we were going to rinse the dishes before we put them in the dishwasher. I’m not trying to be a dick or anything it just starts to stink in the summer.
Percy: Oh damn. I totally forgot. I got pretty drunk last night, I’ll do it now.
LeMarcus: Thanks a lot, other adult human.
the two embrace
The whole series could be this quirky documentary about how we are all pretty decent people that can be kind of dicks every once and while, and maybe there could be some real tender moments.
Or not. Just cancel the fuckin’ thing
