Canadian pop sensation and bad boy Justin Bieber has been identified as the ruthless leader of Mexico’s Sinaloa Drug Cartel, Bieber’s friend Lil Twist has been arrested in connection.
DEA Agents, in collusion with Mexican authorities, raided a Chihuahua, Mexico warehouse where they discovered Justin “El Chapo” Bieber surrounded by approximately 600 pounds of methamphetamine, an array of assault rifles, and the dismembered bodies of government officials. Despite the mounting evidence against the “Boyfriend” singer, authorities arrested Young Money rapper Lil’ Twist who was lounging in his Los Angeles home during the raid.
“Although we did find Mr. Bieber bathed in blood while brandishing the decapitated head of former Chihuahua Chief of Police, Julián Leyzaola, we felt that black rapper Lil’ Twist should be held accountable for these atrocities,” said DEA Chief of Operations Thomas Harrington. “That thug is just a bad influence on Mr. Bieber,” he added.
“What the f*** did I do? Do you know who I am?” Bieber asked DEA Agents as he furiously insufflated crushed methamphetamine.
This incident is just the latest in a string of controversies plaguing the pop star. In the past couple months Bieber has been accused of enlisting the services of Brazilian prostitutes, egging a neighbor’s home and driving under the influence of alcohol and marijuana.
Donning a turquoise wife beater, Bieber was released early Friday to a throng of adoring fans. The icon then stood atop a Mexican police vehicle before executing a border patrol officer with a shot from point blank range.
” You can’t stop me. Nobody can stop me. I am the reckoning” he said with a smoldering fury beneath his dreamy hazel eyes. Meanwhile Lil’ Twist spent the morning being physically and psychologically tortured by Federal agents for “ruining him, that black kid ruined Bieber.”
The raid came as result of a 5-year investigation executed by the DEA and ATF which followed the illegal smuggling of weapons and narcotics across the U.S.-Mexico Border. Authorities have alleged that while 15-year-old Bieber was climbing to success through YouTube and live performances he was simultaneously the criminal mastermind of the world’s most deadly cartel.
“He is el diablo, the harbinger of death but his music is very catchy,” said the widow of DEA agent Ernesto Salazar. Another defected member of the Sinaloa cartel recalls Bieber would “Kill without hesitation, he likes to use his hands if possible, he likes to see the light leave his victims eyes.”
Federal Agents have also alleged that the original lyrics to many of Bieber’s songs reveal a far more sinister motivation. For example, the lyrics to Bieber’s number one hit which now read, “Are we an item? Girl, quit playing
We’re just friends, what are you saying?” were originally, “Money is great but power is forever. When you see me above you, you see the devil.”
Despite the allegations of brutal murder, human trafficking and drug smuggling many fans have come to singer-songwriter’s defense.
“He’s a 19-year-old kid!” said Wendy Parson’s of Duluth, MN. “We all made mistakes at that age. Who didn’t egg houses, smoke marijuana or slaughter innocent children to send a message to Enrique Nieto when they were in their teens?”
UPDATE:
It has been reported that frequent Bieber collaborators Usher and Ludicrous have also been arrested. “These black fellas probably had something to do with it”, said Police Chief Harry Sheffield. No charges have been filed against Bieber.
