It’s Tuesday night and you just polished off that half-drunk Steel Reserve that’s been in the back of your fridge for the past six weeks. You’re in the mood for a flick, but the thought of concentrating on a detailed storyline isn’t doing it for you.
Why watch some harrowing recount of life in the Warsaw Ghetto when you can fire up Netflix or Amazon Instant and watch Pauly Shore drink a puddle of his own urine? Here is a list of movies so goddamn unbelievably awful you can’t help but relish in their stupidity.
5. Santa’s Slay (2005)
Without a doubt the cleverest movie title of all time. Get it?! It sounds like “sleigh” which is the vehicle Santa uses, but it’s spelled like “slay” as in “to kill”.
And that’s exactly what this Santa Claus (played by wrestling legend Bill Goldberg) does: kill anything and everything in this small town. Whether it’s impaling someone with a stripper pole or decapitating an old lady with a circular saw, this Santa Claus knows NO BOUNDS.
He also makes sure to add quirky little puns to all of his fatalities including, “I’m just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR“, “Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer” and “Ho, ho..HOES!” when he walks into a local strip joint. Featuring Lost’s Emilie de Ravin and cameos by Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher and the always fuckable James Caan, it’s a hilariously awful addition to your holiday roster!
4. Rumble in the Bronx (1995)
Jackie Chan was at his best in the early to mid 90s when he wasn’t trying to be funny or an “actor”, he was just trying to kick some serious ass on-screen and injure the fuck out of himself in the process.
Rumble in the Bronx represents a bridge in a way from the former to the latter, where adequate fight sequences are bogged down by a ridiculously cheesy storyline involving a stripper trying to take care of her little brother in a wheelchair. Sure enough, Jackie falls in love with the stripper but she’s in debt to a racist motorcycle gang that don’t like Jackie because he’s one of them Chinamen.
Featuring uplifting lines from the kid in the wheelchair like “Life would be easier on my sister if I were just dead” and a subplot involving Jackie’s 70 year old uncle marrying an obese black woman who breaks into a Doo-wop musical number at their wedding, Rumble in the Bronx is a rollicking good time.
3. Cool Dog (2011) (EDITOR’S PICK)
The hardest I laughed last year was watching Cool Dog (a super low-budget kids movie) for the first time. Opening in Eagle Rock, Louisiana — but very clearly filmed in Southern California — Cool Dog follows a little kid named Jimmy and his cool dog, Rainy. After Rainy saves a little girl from certain death and there is a parade in his honor, his parents find it’s the most appropriate time to break the news the family is moving to New York City and have to leave Rainy behind.
Shamelessly stealing from Homeward Bound, Rainy uses his human-like intelligence to track down little Jimmy and his family in New York City. Over the course of his journey this cool dog plays banjo and harmonica, beats homeless people at chess, successfully orders two hot dogs from a street vendor and drives a commercial shipping boat to the tune of 5 Alarm’s Take it to the Top.
Also, every character in the film is sure to thank God and Jesus whenever something goes right. FUN FACT: Jackson Pace who plays Little Jimmy in this plays Chris Brody in Showtime’s Homeland.
2. ThanksKilling (2009)
Speaking of super-low budgets, this groan-inducing little gem was shot in 11 days and made as an LMU school project by film students Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart. Literally opening on a fat pair of middle-aged tits, ThanksKilling follows a killer turkey named Turkie, possessed by the spirit of an angry Native American (that talks like an East Coast truck driver for some reason) as he kills white people that stole his land.
Focusing on a group of the worst teenage actors I’ve ever witnessed, Turkie begins taking them out one by one. He even ends up screwing one of them in the most bizarre rape scene I’ve ever seen involving an extra-small gravy flavored condom.
Featuring a bunch of classic puns spoken by Turkie including “You just got stuffed!” and “Gobble Gobble Motherfucker!” and an on-going Jon Benet Ramsay joke (classy), ThanksKilling is likely to be the worst thing you’ll ever see. AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX INSTANT.
1. Steel (1997)
Shaquille O’Neal as a superhero just had to take the #1 spot. He plays a weapons engineer for the United States government who quits because he is really super mad that his weapons are being used to hurt people.
Disgusted by all the meanies and Kobes out there, he decides to suit up in steel with the help of his uncle who specializes in scrap metal in order to fight crime. As you can imagine, Shaq’s deadpan and emotionless delivery is just perfect for a man brimming with hurt and anger over all the violence and injustice in the world.
Filmed with all the intensity of a heated Murder She Wrote episode, Shaq stumbles through the streets fighting crime like a zombie on Percocet delivering lines to innocent bystanders like “Ya’ll be cool, now” and “It’s hammer time!“. BEST LINE: “Well roll me in shit, and dip me in breadcrumbs!” ~ someone discovering how cool Shaq is.
