So you’re 16-years-old and you just got your driver’s license. You have a solid group of friends that truly love and respect you. You could simply enjoy your final two years of public education going to football games and asking Shelly to junior prom OR you could become the toughest badass that has ever walked the halls of Newberry High. Who needs close friends and family when you can be a paranoid asshole with all the hundreds of dollars that you can imagine? Here are a few tips to become the Scarface of your suburb.
1. Learn the lingo
You can’t be a hardcore drug dealer if you don’t know every slang term that has ever been used for marijuana. The level of respect that you demand is directly correlated to how indecipherable your text messages are to potential buyers. Here are two examples
Text 1: Hello friends! I have recently picked up some marijuana! If anybody would like to purchase some I am available between 4pm and 6pm!
This text is way to friendly. You don’t want people to like you. You want them to fear you and your oversized BAPE jacket. Here is how a true thug would inform his customers.
Text 2: Yo cuz snagged a zip i got dat furniture hit meh up, t’aint frontin get at me. church.
Completely unintelligible. Perfect. Is this guy selling weed or getting rid of an ottoman? Who knows? Nobody. This is where you want your customer base: completely confused and slightly stupider. You get this down and you are on your way to becoming a guy who “doesn’t need community college, I already got money!”
2. Buy a gun
Let’s face it you are basically selling the most dangerous drug known to man you are going to need protection. You may think, “but I’m only selling an ounce every other week why would a need a gun.” It is questions like this that will make you unsuccessful at peddling pot to 13-year-old kids who listen to Buckcherry. If you don’t have a gun people aren’t going to know how bad-ass you are, and you will also avoid getting shot by somebody else. Gun shot wounds are your ticket to becoming a hero in the eyes of your peers. Also, always keep the gun in the car that your parents just bought you. Don’t leave it in the glove compartment either just have it sitting in the front seat- with the safety off. Buy this gun off the black market and make sure that it is at least a semi-automatic. If it was used in Training Day or Blow, you will gain more respect from your peers.
3. Never show up on time.
As a business man you want to constantly keep your customers in check. This means that if you tell somebody to meet you at Taco Bell to pick up a gram at 6pm you should show up around 7:30 with .7 and tell your customer its still $20. Then ask your customer to give your buddy “Diesel” a ride to his girlfriend’s place. Then steal his Baja Blast.
4. Bring your drugs to school
The teachers won’t ever expect that the guy wearing an XXL Louis Vuitton knock-off hoodie is selling pot on campus. The best way to do this is by keeping your bud in your backpack and just spray that shit about every half-hour with a bottle of Axe. Also sell your weed in the bathroom because everybody knows security guards aren’t allowed in the bathroom, thats like invasion of privacy dude.
5. Give your product an interesting name.
Most people will only buy pot if it has a cool name. So if your dealer just simply gives you “chronic”, use one of these names to really entice your customer.
Chicken Noodle Soup with a Soda on the Side
Cat Piss
Malaysian Mind Ebola
Green Meth
The Speaker of the House: John Boehner
Bong Draper
Chocolate Banana Sundae Kush
The Challenger Explosion
Frodo’s Nug Fuzz
W.W.J.D.S.W.Y.F.I
Satan’s Pubes
Alabama Apple Slapper
Ulysses
Wes Anderson presents: Weed
If your product had a weird name people will think you get the best shit in the state.
6. Be a dick
Just be a dick to anyone and everyone.
