Recumbent Bicycle
For the working man who wants to ride a bike but lounge while doing it. The recumbent bicycle is the doucheier cousin of the classic two wheel bicycle. The recumbent bicycle just screams for everybody in your surrounding area to stare and comment, but not in a good way. Want to up the ante? Throw on some Oakley sunglasses, an ergonomic wind helmet, and a bright yellow Lance Armstrong body suit. Put the cherry on top by dragging your toddler behind you in a mini-carriage. Toddlers love to see their father emasculate himself.
Razor Scooter
If you are older than 13 you should not be riding a razor scooter. I know it seems like the fun conversation starter for when you’re cruising around campus but when you see the razor scooter at your local Goodwill take a breath and tell yourself, “No… no this will not get me laid.” Of course, if you’re not worried about polarizing the opposite sex, razor scooters are also incredibly impractical. Have you ever tried to push a razor scooter past 15 mph? The handlebars start shaking like Michael J Fox in a massage chair and you inevitably fall off and scrape your knee. Don’t ever try to ride up a curb or you will flip over the handlebars and, unlike beefing it on a skateboard, nobody has ever looked cool falling off a scooter.
Snake Board
The snake board takes the classic skateboard formula and makes it worse by having its user weave in and out of traffic to propel themselves forward. If you have ever been riding a bike behind one of these guys you know what I’m talking about. Snake Board riders apparently need a 15 yard radius if they are ever going to get anywhere. Some would argue that snake boards are cool because its “like snowboarding without the snow” but unlike snowboarding you don’t have soft snow or a large jacket to cushion the fall when you eventually bail out trying to jump over that pesky crack in front of the local JNCO outlet store. Also, a snake board is the easiest way to get laughed out of the skatepark. Lets put it this way, the 45-year-old guy with a helmet and shin guards gets more respect at the skate park than the hipster on a snake board.
Unicycle
I actually have respect for anybody who will take the time to master the Unicycle. If you have ever tried to use a unicycle you know that it is incredibly frustrating. The people who choose to ride a unicycle are bound to be lambasted by their peers and constantly get honked at while trying to get to work presumably as a children entertainer. Is this person more interested in getting somewhere or starting a parade? The reason it’s on this list is because there is literally no situation, short of riding on a tight rope, that necessitates the use of a unicycle. All the time you have spent learning to ride your unicycle could have been spent honing a useful craft like glass blowing or smithing but we need clowns right? So ride on Unicyclists, you have my unending support.
Drift Plates
You probably haven’t heard of these because they are relatively new to the alternative transportation game but hang out on any large college campus and you are bound to see some freshman in the honors college zipping around on this transportation abomination. Drift plates feature two wheels on the bottom of aluminum plates that riders attach their feet. The user is propelled forward by making a criss-cross motion with their feet. They are basically roller skates that are harder to use and won’t allow you get to any speed faster than 10 mph. Loved by the same people who participate in slack-lining and amateur parkour Drift Plates are equivalent to strategically rolling down a hill.
